Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

The art of motivation, if it even is that, is an interesting one. 

Things are always in flux but for some reason we always need to find ways to motivate ourselves to keep going. I envy those that wake up everyday and feel refreshed and positive, they're healthy and happy and go about their routine. I suppose once you're comfortable, that's all it takes. 

But then, there are those that are never quite satisfied, who constantly feel like there's more, there's better opportunities, more that they should be doing, but it's not always that easy. Many things hold us back, but it mostly boils down to being motivated enough to pursue something, be that a potential love, a new hobby, a new job etc. I write a lot about new things, and change, and I think it's because I desperately want so much to change and I'm working to get there but it's a slow, slow process. 

Mental health plays a large part in this, and I can't remember if I mentioned this in previous rambles but I do have an anxiety disorder. It's crippling to say the least but I deal with it. What surprises me is how many people suffer with mental health issues in silence. It's not that people with anxiety necessarily don't want to do something, it's that the thought process that they go through to make a decision for example is so much more complex and negative that more often than not the cons outweigh the pros. 

I know these are probably thoughts many people have, and there are many ways that all sorts of mental health issues can be explained, but I honestly believe that until someone experiences it, it's very hard to explain just how tough it can be. Anxiety and motivation have to constantly battle to see whether an important decision can be made and more often than not, it's easier to just avoid the situation altogether.

This is utterly boring to most of you, I know, but motivation can result in so much and if there was a way to just drink a coffee that had a motivational magic ingredient in, well then, that'd be amazing. Sadly, we have to generate our own motivation. 

I guess (my favourite phrase apparently) that if you truly want something, more than anything else, you will always find the motivation to get there regardless of how tough it may be. It's terribly sad to think that so many people could be capable of so much if they a) believed in themselves b) were in a position to act upon a desire and c) had the motivation to do it.

I try to live life as spontaneously as possible purely because I know if I have to think about whether or not I want to do something, I'll often conjure up some ridiculous thought as to why I can't possibly do it and sometimes it's better just to say "Fuck it." and do something, which often results in wonderful experiences and many a treasured memory.

But, other times, we say no. There's some odd thing behind saying no, as if we somehow have to justify it with some important reason, as more often than not saying "I'm exhausted." or "I'm not feeling great" just doesn't cut it. I don't know why we can't just ever seem to say "Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to come." with no reason. Perhaps it's just me.

Sometimes we can say yes, sometimes we have to force ourselves to go out and do something and we enjoy it so much more than we thought we would, but sometimes we say no because we just aren't up to it. You don't have to be ill, you don't have to be coughing and spluttering. Mental health and physical health are equally as important and if you put your mental health at risk, it will affect you physically and vice versa. 

It's important to just be you and do you. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't and sometimes we just have to say "Oh, fuck it."

I'm not a motivated person, I love to procrastinate, but there's definitely a warm little fire that sits within me that burns to learn more, to do more and to be more and I refuse to lose that. It may not all happen this year, it may not all happen in the next 3 years, but I've learned the hard way that there isn't a rush, as short as life may be. I want to enjoy things as they are and change things when I feel it's right to. There's a whole lot to do, a whole lot to see and a whole lot more to be. 

Everything happens for a reason and I'm just gonna push myself to do more and see how everything shifts. Writing these rambley posts (that I'm STILL convinced nobody reads) is just the beginning. I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to run, I want to eat better, I want to dress better, I want to look after myself, I want to learn more, I want to live more.

I will, in time, but for now, I gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I guess that as long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters too much. Things are okay, okay is good and okay will do. For now.