I suppose there's something rather quaint about writing a post about loss on the 1 year mark of Nan's passing bless her, hope you're sleeping well Nan.
Anyway, I was always told that university would be the best years of my life, and that I didn't realise until I'd finished my degree that that was indeed true. What I was never warned of was how hard the time following university would be. Sure, there are the normal issues - finding a job, trying to afford being an adult, trying to remain independent and so on. The difficulty I mean is how to deal with leaving behind the best years of your life.
You spend 3/4 years making the best friends, learning more about the world and yourself than you ever think possible, and then you say goodbye. It didn't even feel like goodbye when I said it, not a real one. It felt more like a goodbye you'd say to someone you were going to see the next day and thinking about it, perhaps that was just denial in the most pure form.
It's not really just leaving behind university, It's leaving behind thousands of memories, people, places. It doesn't seem like that at the time, so it isn't the sudden overwhelming sadness that you realise it'll all change. It's something that chips away at you, day by day, memory by memory. This feeling of loss isn't at all helped by things like Facebook which loves to remind you of "On this day.." however many years ago. I get that it's wonderful to be able to reminisce but that feeling of longing to relive it all never truly goes.
I suppose this isn't remotely limited to university at all, it's just that that's what's really been getting to me lately. I moved home after university to save money, find a job and get it all sorted. The last thing I expected was to suddenly lose touch with so many people. It's soul-shattering. You see everyone that stayed behind having such a wonderful time without you and you don't know what to think. I guess I'm just seriously missing being independent, being able to go out to a shop at 2am because I fancy some sorbet or just deciding to go out on a completely whim. I miss it, I miss it all so, so much.
The past is the past for a reason. It's important to remember that everything that has happened, be it good or bad, has happened and there's no way to change it. We lose friends, we lose people we thought we could never lose. We walk away from things we can't handle anymore, we walk away from people we thought we'd never have to. We quit jobs, we change paths in life because we lose our way and quite honestly, it never gets easier.
I'm sure that there's a way to put some positive spin on this, but it isn't as easy as it has been previously. There's the same old saying "Everything happens for a reason." and whether or not you choose to believe that, it's a very interesting way to think about things. To think that without everything happening the way it has up until this very point, you wouldn't even remotely be the person you are now. You may be in a similar situation, we'll never know, but we can say for sure it wouldn't be exactly the same.
I never thought everything would change so much after university. I really didn't. I didn't expect to lose my way as much as I did and I didn't expect to lose touch with so many people. I know as I've said previously that I'm not the best person with communication and the like, but it's just weird to watch everyone's lives go in all different directions, and to know that at one point you spent day after day with these people, shared your darkest secrets with these people and now you hardly see them.
Despite this, however, there must always come a time to accept the past and move on. It's tough and definitely something that everyone struggles with. You rarely see a person easily accept a big change in their life easily. Sure, there are some people that may seem like they can easily breakup with someone, or easily end a friendship or something, but realistically it's never that way.
I don't like making blogs that are overly "I, I, I, me, me, me." but I feel that this one kinda is and I apologise for that. The past year has involved a lot of me accepting how things have changed and it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I ended a relationship, handled it all terribly, and what I thought could've been a friendship was lost and I had to remove all traces of said person from social media because seeing them happy with someone else wasn't something I could deal with and I haven't spoken to said person since and I find that incredibly sad.
Similarly, there are people from university who I thought I would be close to forever that I've drifted so far from that I think it's a mutual agreement that the friendship has simply just, well, ended. No animosity, no resentment, just a true fizzling out of a friendship that once seemed great.
I've drifted from so many people in so many areas of my life. I neglect so many people that mean the world to me but I never remember to tell them so. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm completely guilty of focusing on the past and never looking to the present and onwards.
I should probably mention that a large part of the inspiration for this post has been generated by FOMO, the fear of missing out. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case. It's not the fear of missing out as such, it's being able to physically see people having fun without you. People you thought you were close to and that you thought would've invited you perhaps. It makes you wonder why they didn't even consider you. Did you not cross their mind? Did they just not want to invite you? Is it because you've been bad at texting lately? Do they just consider you not close enough to invite you?
Of all of the things mentioned, this one hits me the most. There's nothing worse than seeing pictures of all of your friends together without you, and you never receiving an invite or a message, whatever the reason may be. I know, I know that there could be a million reasons. It was too last minute. Thought you weren't at home. So on, so forth. It still sucks.
I hate losing people. It's not loneliness, not that at all. It's that there's this weird slightly grey filter over people now almost. People that were friends of yours once, and you see them and remember every brilliant memory you've ever had with them, but for some reason you just don't feel like you can even talk to them anymore. It's as if the time has passed. The paths have split and they're just out of view now. You've officially parted ways, and it's time that you start looking forward.
I'll still have the memories, I know that, I just don't like how much things have changed.
I'll miss it all, I'll miss everyone, I'll miss making amazing memories. I'll miss having my life completely changed in a few years and I'll miss feeling so truly free that I could do anything.
Everything happens for a reason, and even though change is tough, sometimes it is necessary.
Onwards and upwards.
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