Sunday 17 April 2016
Sunday 21 February 2016
Appreciating the path that you walk.
A song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54
I played a new game this week. Titled "Life Is Strange" it's a game that revolves around making decisions to see how they impact the lead character's life. This, along with the ability to rewind time a small degree got me thinking a lot about how much could and would change if that was a reality.
If, right now, you discovered you had the ability to rewind time, how much would you change?
We ponder, we dream, we wish and we hope. So many times we've done things we wish we hadn't and we wish we could undo and it's always fascinating to wonder how different things would be if we'd made a different decision at any one point in our lives.
It's sometimes hard to step back and appreciate exactly what we have when there's still so much we can look back on and regret and I envy those that have mastered the ability not to dwell on the past. We've all screwed up, we've all made mistakes but they've all resulted in the exact situation you are currently sat in and whether that is a good situation or a bad one, there's comfort in knowing that the decisions you make every single day can change your situation.
The regrets we latch on to can very often overshadow the things we have accomplished, as small as they may be. Regret is important and we need it to learn, we need to move forward knowing the reactions a particular action can induce or we may never move forward successfully.
Being realistic for a brief moment, we can't rewind time. We can't change was has already happened and instead we need to remind ourselves of where we are and how we got here. We forget the people that have gotten us here, we did what we needed to and we pushed ourselves but it'd be nigh on impossible without the people around us. Family, friends, lovers. All of these come and go, even family to some degree but a lot of these are also extremely constant.
We all have friends that we've lost, we've had people we drifted from and would barely recognise anymore, we've had people that we've pushed away and we may regret doing so but we learn from these people, even if they aren't a part of our lives anymore, we learned from them and they've contributed to the person we are today.
The other side of that is the people we know we can never really lose because we can call up after 4 months of silence and pick up from the last place we left off. The ones that have made us laugh so hard we couldn't breathe and the ones on whom we've unloaded our major burdens. I find it impossible to even consider how different my life would be without certain people in it and I think in some odd way, if a person has really contributed to a part of your life, they become a part of you and as a result, you can't ever forget them.
As I write this, I find myself reminiscing about so many wonderful memories that I hope that I'll hold on to forever. What always baffles me is how many of these memories are made with new people. It goes to show how a person could walk in and change your life at any point. We meet so many wonderful people all of the time. I have memories of incredible conversations I've had with a person that I'll probably never see again and that conversation has had such an impact.
It's certainly important to mention that friends aren't even remotely the only people to thank for the people we become. Family are possibly the most undervalued people in our lives. I could write a book on the intense love and appreciation I have for my mother in particular and we often forget to show how much we appreciate our parents and guardians for helping us become the best versions of ourselves. This may not apply to everyone, for some people it isn't parents at all, its siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Regardless of the family member it is, the love we have for them is so deeply rooted that you'd think we would aim to appreciate them slightly more and yet we don't, we don't at all.
Life is a long, wild and arduous path and one that we forget to appreciate. We forget to appreciate the people that do so much for us and contribute so much to our lives. We take so much for granted and focus far too much on the things we need to change. It takes an awful lot to just thank someone for their contribution to your life. It's all fine and dandy tagging them in a "bff's for -- years, love you!" post but taking the time to actually appreciate someone is a whole different kettle of fish. Take them out for coffee, treat someone you care about just because you want to appreciate that they've helped you become who you are. It's important not to lose touch with people that contribute so much to you.
Life's path, aside from the people we meet, involves one hell of a lot of difficult decisions. There are so many times we do things we don't want to do, so many risks we take for such little reward. We underestimate the impact these things have on our lives and the lives of others (see Chaos Theory) and more often that not, it's good to look back at the decisions we've made, and the risks we've taken, in order to truly appreciate everything around us.
We're alive, we're healthy, we're fed a constant stream of bad news and yet somehow keep finding the will to put one foot in front of the other. We keep trundling along and finding our way, we bump into new people, we fall into new experiences and we constantly learn new things about ourselves. We forget to appreciate everything we put ourselves through mentally and physically because we're focusing so much on getting where we need to be.
It's a bloody hard road, but there are important people surrounding us all the time. People that we forget to appreciate, people including ourselves. Don't forget to stop walking down your path sometimes, don't forget that it's important to sometimes stop and admire the wonderful people around you, the wonderful memories you've made, and how far you've come since in the past 5 years for example.
We can never predict what'll happen in the future, but one thing is for sure, there's always time to stop and remember the memories you've made and the people you know. You are who you are because of the things you've done and the people you've met and that will continue to happen.
So, to the brilliant people in my life who have always remained;
To those people who through all amounts of change and through all lack of contact have always been there;
To the people who have always reminded me who I am and have pushed me to be who I always doubted I could be;
To those people who, despite knowing me a short amount of time, have somehow had the greatest impact on my life;
To the people I have loved and lost, but whom I will always appreciate the lessons they have taught me;
thank you.
I played a new game this week. Titled "Life Is Strange" it's a game that revolves around making decisions to see how they impact the lead character's life. This, along with the ability to rewind time a small degree got me thinking a lot about how much could and would change if that was a reality.
If, right now, you discovered you had the ability to rewind time, how much would you change?
We ponder, we dream, we wish and we hope. So many times we've done things we wish we hadn't and we wish we could undo and it's always fascinating to wonder how different things would be if we'd made a different decision at any one point in our lives.
It's sometimes hard to step back and appreciate exactly what we have when there's still so much we can look back on and regret and I envy those that have mastered the ability not to dwell on the past. We've all screwed up, we've all made mistakes but they've all resulted in the exact situation you are currently sat in and whether that is a good situation or a bad one, there's comfort in knowing that the decisions you make every single day can change your situation.
The regrets we latch on to can very often overshadow the things we have accomplished, as small as they may be. Regret is important and we need it to learn, we need to move forward knowing the reactions a particular action can induce or we may never move forward successfully.
Being realistic for a brief moment, we can't rewind time. We can't change was has already happened and instead we need to remind ourselves of where we are and how we got here. We forget the people that have gotten us here, we did what we needed to and we pushed ourselves but it'd be nigh on impossible without the people around us. Family, friends, lovers. All of these come and go, even family to some degree but a lot of these are also extremely constant.
We all have friends that we've lost, we've had people we drifted from and would barely recognise anymore, we've had people that we've pushed away and we may regret doing so but we learn from these people, even if they aren't a part of our lives anymore, we learned from them and they've contributed to the person we are today.
The other side of that is the people we know we can never really lose because we can call up after 4 months of silence and pick up from the last place we left off. The ones that have made us laugh so hard we couldn't breathe and the ones on whom we've unloaded our major burdens. I find it impossible to even consider how different my life would be without certain people in it and I think in some odd way, if a person has really contributed to a part of your life, they become a part of you and as a result, you can't ever forget them.
As I write this, I find myself reminiscing about so many wonderful memories that I hope that I'll hold on to forever. What always baffles me is how many of these memories are made with new people. It goes to show how a person could walk in and change your life at any point. We meet so many wonderful people all of the time. I have memories of incredible conversations I've had with a person that I'll probably never see again and that conversation has had such an impact.
It's certainly important to mention that friends aren't even remotely the only people to thank for the people we become. Family are possibly the most undervalued people in our lives. I could write a book on the intense love and appreciation I have for my mother in particular and we often forget to show how much we appreciate our parents and guardians for helping us become the best versions of ourselves. This may not apply to everyone, for some people it isn't parents at all, its siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Regardless of the family member it is, the love we have for them is so deeply rooted that you'd think we would aim to appreciate them slightly more and yet we don't, we don't at all.
Life is a long, wild and arduous path and one that we forget to appreciate. We forget to appreciate the people that do so much for us and contribute so much to our lives. We take so much for granted and focus far too much on the things we need to change. It takes an awful lot to just thank someone for their contribution to your life. It's all fine and dandy tagging them in a "bff's for -- years, love you!" post but taking the time to actually appreciate someone is a whole different kettle of fish. Take them out for coffee, treat someone you care about just because you want to appreciate that they've helped you become who you are. It's important not to lose touch with people that contribute so much to you.
Life's path, aside from the people we meet, involves one hell of a lot of difficult decisions. There are so many times we do things we don't want to do, so many risks we take for such little reward. We underestimate the impact these things have on our lives and the lives of others (see Chaos Theory) and more often that not, it's good to look back at the decisions we've made, and the risks we've taken, in order to truly appreciate everything around us.
We're alive, we're healthy, we're fed a constant stream of bad news and yet somehow keep finding the will to put one foot in front of the other. We keep trundling along and finding our way, we bump into new people, we fall into new experiences and we constantly learn new things about ourselves. We forget to appreciate everything we put ourselves through mentally and physically because we're focusing so much on getting where we need to be.
It's a bloody hard road, but there are important people surrounding us all the time. People that we forget to appreciate, people including ourselves. Don't forget to stop walking down your path sometimes, don't forget that it's important to sometimes stop and admire the wonderful people around you, the wonderful memories you've made, and how far you've come since in the past 5 years for example.
We can never predict what'll happen in the future, but one thing is for sure, there's always time to stop and remember the memories you've made and the people you know. You are who you are because of the things you've done and the people you've met and that will continue to happen.
So, to the brilliant people in my life who have always remained;
To those people who through all amounts of change and through all lack of contact have always been there;
To the people who have always reminded me who I am and have pushed me to be who I always doubted I could be;
To those people who, despite knowing me a short amount of time, have somehow had the greatest impact on my life;
To the people I have loved and lost, but whom I will always appreciate the lessons they have taught me;
thank you.
Sunday 14 February 2016
Do you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?
This is a question that many have endeavored to answer and thought it seems that the answer is definitely yes, you have to wonder whether its truly necessary to love yourself through and through before you're able to love somebody else.
Sure, most people have the ability to love, most people do love something, but loving another person truly and completely is a very complex thing.
I know this sounds like I speak from experience and I do but I don't. I'm not sure that I've ever actually been in love with another person in the romantic sense so I can't say for sure that I know what exactly love feels like, or can be described as and so on. But I've been around a lot of people that have had very serious, very intense relationships, and I've witnessed some of these flourish and I've witnessed others fall apart completely. The most fascinating part regardless is watching just how much these people were completely invested in these relationships, some to the point that they didn't even realise how much of them was connected to this other person.
As soppy as it may be, it's truly wonderful seeing two people completely in love. Though, I wonder if its more just seeing them happy. Happiness is infectious and seeing two people happy regardless is a beautiful thing but seeing two people in love is amazing. I mean yes, there are all sorts of exceptions to this and it may be that they're not happy at all behind closed doors, it may be that they're happy but it's very one-sided, nobody can possibly know but the complete, raw notion of two people being in love is brilliant.
On the flip-side of that lies the break-ups. I have seen people have their entire world ripped apart because of a breakup. A serious relationship of years and years flushed down a toilet within a week. It's so hard to witness because (from what I've heard) it's like having a gigantic whole punched straight through your life and there's nothing that can be said or done to fill it. What advice can you give? How can you make that situation any better when you know that the only thing that will help is time?
It's a catch-22; you want to date because sharing your life is wonderful, but if you date there's the risk you'll get attached to someone and having them leave your life, taking a piece of you with them. It's tricky, but supposedly worth the risk.
The dating world has changed massively too, nowadays with apps and websites, everything is so accessible and open that apps like Tinder mean it's essentially browsing a supermarket for a mate. I mean it's a wonderful notion, the ability to quickly and easily connect with someone, but there's also such a massive pressure to be the absolute best version of yourself. There's this weird compulsion that you need to seem interesting, funny, intelligent, attractive. It's hardly realistic, but everyone's trying in their own way to be the best version of themselves.
It's awfully frustrating really, everyone trying so hard to show their best sides. When was it such a crime just to be human? Does everyone really expect to go around looking as glamorous as the various pictures they post? God no. We all have less-than-wonderful days where we really look like we haven't slept at all and our hair won't co-operate. We'd all love to pretend that we're cultured and that we travel a lot and that we're all wise and knowledgeable. We'd love to pretend that we're desirable in a quirky way and we have interesting music tastes.
I don't buy it. We're all only human, we're all flawed. These apps, though extremely useful, are inherently flawed in the sense that they always want you to pretend you don't have any flaws. It's possible that this is entirely my own experience of course. I've just always struggled to feel like I can be completely myself without seeming odd. Everyone is very contrived and it almost seems as if people are too scared to let the real them slip out over an app. It's all prim and proper till the first meeting and then the facade can drop slightly to "test the waters" or something. I didn't realise just throwing down your cards and seeing if you match was such a taboo thing almost.
Anyway, referring back to the title, loving yourself is undeniably one of the hardest things you can do and I think that loving yourself is somewhat unrealistic and I definitely think accepting yourself is perhaps more likely. You don't have to love yourself, you just have to be yourself and accept that you have what you have and you do what you do. Dating is extremely difficult as it is because there's a complete lack of real courtship, you can have a quick chat over an app and organise a date and off you trot, and if that fails just rinse and repeat. Dating has changed completely and its safe to say that you need a damn thick skin if you want to dive headfirst into cyber-dating as it were because rejection will come thick and fast and that'll make it damn hard to feel like you're worth loving sometimes.
Everyone is, but its important not to rely on someone else to make you happy. That much is so, so important. A relationship will not make you happy, it will simply add the happiness you have made for yourself. You cannot rely on someone else to fix you, it's too much for you both to deal with and it'll never work. You don't have to love yourself to be able to love someone else, but you can't expect someone to love you enough that you learn to love yourself.
There are so many wonderful things in this world and whilst being able to share your life with someone is such an incredible idea, it's not something that can be forced. It'll happen one way or another and despite how much I hate it the whole "It'll happen when you least expect it" thing does, weirdly, happen to hold some sort of weight. It's okay to be single, my god it's so, so okay to be single. I don't know why on this earth it seems so bad to be single but there's some off stigma attached to it, as if somehow you're doing wrong if you're not out there sharing your life with someone. Hell no, live your life, do what the hell you want and if you happen to bump into someone along the way, great! If not, also great, more time for you, more time for friends, more time to travel.
Life isnt any worse if youre single, not even remotely. Dating isn't anything like it used to be and it can sure as hell take some getting used to. These apps have changed the game forever, that's for damn sure. Regardless of how hard you try though, it'll happen when it happens, if it happens. Doesn't matter either way as long as you don't try and be someone you're not just to be with someone. Just be you and live your damn life, happiness will follow suit regardless.
Sure, most people have the ability to love, most people do love something, but loving another person truly and completely is a very complex thing.
I know this sounds like I speak from experience and I do but I don't. I'm not sure that I've ever actually been in love with another person in the romantic sense so I can't say for sure that I know what exactly love feels like, or can be described as and so on. But I've been around a lot of people that have had very serious, very intense relationships, and I've witnessed some of these flourish and I've witnessed others fall apart completely. The most fascinating part regardless is watching just how much these people were completely invested in these relationships, some to the point that they didn't even realise how much of them was connected to this other person.
As soppy as it may be, it's truly wonderful seeing two people completely in love. Though, I wonder if its more just seeing them happy. Happiness is infectious and seeing two people happy regardless is a beautiful thing but seeing two people in love is amazing. I mean yes, there are all sorts of exceptions to this and it may be that they're not happy at all behind closed doors, it may be that they're happy but it's very one-sided, nobody can possibly know but the complete, raw notion of two people being in love is brilliant.
On the flip-side of that lies the break-ups. I have seen people have their entire world ripped apart because of a breakup. A serious relationship of years and years flushed down a toilet within a week. It's so hard to witness because (from what I've heard) it's like having a gigantic whole punched straight through your life and there's nothing that can be said or done to fill it. What advice can you give? How can you make that situation any better when you know that the only thing that will help is time?
It's a catch-22; you want to date because sharing your life is wonderful, but if you date there's the risk you'll get attached to someone and having them leave your life, taking a piece of you with them. It's tricky, but supposedly worth the risk.
The dating world has changed massively too, nowadays with apps and websites, everything is so accessible and open that apps like Tinder mean it's essentially browsing a supermarket for a mate. I mean it's a wonderful notion, the ability to quickly and easily connect with someone, but there's also such a massive pressure to be the absolute best version of yourself. There's this weird compulsion that you need to seem interesting, funny, intelligent, attractive. It's hardly realistic, but everyone's trying in their own way to be the best version of themselves.
It's awfully frustrating really, everyone trying so hard to show their best sides. When was it such a crime just to be human? Does everyone really expect to go around looking as glamorous as the various pictures they post? God no. We all have less-than-wonderful days where we really look like we haven't slept at all and our hair won't co-operate. We'd all love to pretend that we're cultured and that we travel a lot and that we're all wise and knowledgeable. We'd love to pretend that we're desirable in a quirky way and we have interesting music tastes.
I don't buy it. We're all only human, we're all flawed. These apps, though extremely useful, are inherently flawed in the sense that they always want you to pretend you don't have any flaws. It's possible that this is entirely my own experience of course. I've just always struggled to feel like I can be completely myself without seeming odd. Everyone is very contrived and it almost seems as if people are too scared to let the real them slip out over an app. It's all prim and proper till the first meeting and then the facade can drop slightly to "test the waters" or something. I didn't realise just throwing down your cards and seeing if you match was such a taboo thing almost.
Anyway, referring back to the title, loving yourself is undeniably one of the hardest things you can do and I think that loving yourself is somewhat unrealistic and I definitely think accepting yourself is perhaps more likely. You don't have to love yourself, you just have to be yourself and accept that you have what you have and you do what you do. Dating is extremely difficult as it is because there's a complete lack of real courtship, you can have a quick chat over an app and organise a date and off you trot, and if that fails just rinse and repeat. Dating has changed completely and its safe to say that you need a damn thick skin if you want to dive headfirst into cyber-dating as it were because rejection will come thick and fast and that'll make it damn hard to feel like you're worth loving sometimes.
Everyone is, but its important not to rely on someone else to make you happy. That much is so, so important. A relationship will not make you happy, it will simply add the happiness you have made for yourself. You cannot rely on someone else to fix you, it's too much for you both to deal with and it'll never work. You don't have to love yourself to be able to love someone else, but you can't expect someone to love you enough that you learn to love yourself.
There are so many wonderful things in this world and whilst being able to share your life with someone is such an incredible idea, it's not something that can be forced. It'll happen one way or another and despite how much I hate it the whole "It'll happen when you least expect it" thing does, weirdly, happen to hold some sort of weight. It's okay to be single, my god it's so, so okay to be single. I don't know why on this earth it seems so bad to be single but there's some off stigma attached to it, as if somehow you're doing wrong if you're not out there sharing your life with someone. Hell no, live your life, do what the hell you want and if you happen to bump into someone along the way, great! If not, also great, more time for you, more time for friends, more time to travel.
Life isnt any worse if youre single, not even remotely. Dating isn't anything like it used to be and it can sure as hell take some getting used to. These apps have changed the game forever, that's for damn sure. Regardless of how hard you try though, it'll happen when it happens, if it happens. Doesn't matter either way as long as you don't try and be someone you're not just to be with someone. Just be you and live your damn life, happiness will follow suit regardless.
Sunday 7 February 2016
Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.
The art of motivation, if it even is that, is an interesting one.
Things are always in flux but for some reason we always need to find ways to motivate ourselves to keep going. I envy those that wake up everyday and feel refreshed and positive, they're healthy and happy and go about their routine. I suppose once you're comfortable, that's all it takes.
But then, there are those that are never quite satisfied, who constantly feel like there's more, there's better opportunities, more that they should be doing, but it's not always that easy. Many things hold us back, but it mostly boils down to being motivated enough to pursue something, be that a potential love, a new hobby, a new job etc. I write a lot about new things, and change, and I think it's because I desperately want so much to change and I'm working to get there but it's a slow, slow process.
Mental health plays a large part in this, and I can't remember if I mentioned this in previous rambles but I do have an anxiety disorder. It's crippling to say the least but I deal with it. What surprises me is how many people suffer with mental health issues in silence. It's not that people with anxiety necessarily don't want to do something, it's that the thought process that they go through to make a decision for example is so much more complex and negative that more often than not the cons outweigh the pros.
I know these are probably thoughts many people have, and there are many ways that all sorts of mental health issues can be explained, but I honestly believe that until someone experiences it, it's very hard to explain just how tough it can be. Anxiety and motivation have to constantly battle to see whether an important decision can be made and more often than not, it's easier to just avoid the situation altogether.
This is utterly boring to most of you, I know, but motivation can result in so much and if there was a way to just drink a coffee that had a motivational magic ingredient in, well then, that'd be amazing. Sadly, we have to generate our own motivation.
I guess (my favourite phrase apparently) that if you truly want something, more than anything else, you will always find the motivation to get there regardless of how tough it may be. It's terribly sad to think that so many people could be capable of so much if they a) believed in themselves b) were in a position to act upon a desire and c) had the motivation to do it.
I try to live life as spontaneously as possible purely because I know if I have to think about whether or not I want to do something, I'll often conjure up some ridiculous thought as to why I can't possibly do it and sometimes it's better just to say "Fuck it." and do something, which often results in wonderful experiences and many a treasured memory.
But, other times, we say no. There's some odd thing behind saying no, as if we somehow have to justify it with some important reason, as more often than not saying "I'm exhausted." or "I'm not feeling great" just doesn't cut it. I don't know why we can't just ever seem to say "Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to come." with no reason. Perhaps it's just me.
Sometimes we can say yes, sometimes we have to force ourselves to go out and do something and we enjoy it so much more than we thought we would, but sometimes we say no because we just aren't up to it. You don't have to be ill, you don't have to be coughing and spluttering. Mental health and physical health are equally as important and if you put your mental health at risk, it will affect you physically and vice versa.
It's important to just be you and do you. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't and sometimes we just have to say "Oh, fuck it."
I'm not a motivated person, I love to procrastinate, but there's definitely a warm little fire that sits within me that burns to learn more, to do more and to be more and I refuse to lose that. It may not all happen this year, it may not all happen in the next 3 years, but I've learned the hard way that there isn't a rush, as short as life may be. I want to enjoy things as they are and change things when I feel it's right to. There's a whole lot to do, a whole lot to see and a whole lot more to be.
Everything happens for a reason and I'm just gonna push myself to do more and see how everything shifts. Writing these rambley posts (that I'm STILL convinced nobody reads) is just the beginning. I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to run, I want to eat better, I want to dress better, I want to look after myself, I want to learn more, I want to live more.
I will, in time, but for now, I gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I guess that as long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters too much. Things are okay, okay is good and okay will do. For now.
Sunday 31 January 2016
I don't know if I like change.
I suppose there's something rather quaint about writing a post about loss on the 1 year mark of Nan's passing bless her, hope you're sleeping well Nan.
Anyway, I was always told that university would be the best years of my life, and that I didn't realise until I'd finished my degree that that was indeed true. What I was never warned of was how hard the time following university would be. Sure, there are the normal issues - finding a job, trying to afford being an adult, trying to remain independent and so on. The difficulty I mean is how to deal with leaving behind the best years of your life.
You spend 3/4 years making the best friends, learning more about the world and yourself than you ever think possible, and then you say goodbye. It didn't even feel like goodbye when I said it, not a real one. It felt more like a goodbye you'd say to someone you were going to see the next day and thinking about it, perhaps that was just denial in the most pure form.
It's not really just leaving behind university, It's leaving behind thousands of memories, people, places. It doesn't seem like that at the time, so it isn't the sudden overwhelming sadness that you realise it'll all change. It's something that chips away at you, day by day, memory by memory. This feeling of loss isn't at all helped by things like Facebook which loves to remind you of "On this day.." however many years ago. I get that it's wonderful to be able to reminisce but that feeling of longing to relive it all never truly goes.
I suppose this isn't remotely limited to university at all, it's just that that's what's really been getting to me lately. I moved home after university to save money, find a job and get it all sorted. The last thing I expected was to suddenly lose touch with so many people. It's soul-shattering. You see everyone that stayed behind having such a wonderful time without you and you don't know what to think. I guess I'm just seriously missing being independent, being able to go out to a shop at 2am because I fancy some sorbet or just deciding to go out on a completely whim. I miss it, I miss it all so, so much.
The past is the past for a reason. It's important to remember that everything that has happened, be it good or bad, has happened and there's no way to change it. We lose friends, we lose people we thought we could never lose. We walk away from things we can't handle anymore, we walk away from people we thought we'd never have to. We quit jobs, we change paths in life because we lose our way and quite honestly, it never gets easier.
I'm sure that there's a way to put some positive spin on this, but it isn't as easy as it has been previously. There's the same old saying "Everything happens for a reason." and whether or not you choose to believe that, it's a very interesting way to think about things. To think that without everything happening the way it has up until this very point, you wouldn't even remotely be the person you are now. You may be in a similar situation, we'll never know, but we can say for sure it wouldn't be exactly the same.
I never thought everything would change so much after university. I really didn't. I didn't expect to lose my way as much as I did and I didn't expect to lose touch with so many people. I know as I've said previously that I'm not the best person with communication and the like, but it's just weird to watch everyone's lives go in all different directions, and to know that at one point you spent day after day with these people, shared your darkest secrets with these people and now you hardly see them.
Despite this, however, there must always come a time to accept the past and move on. It's tough and definitely something that everyone struggles with. You rarely see a person easily accept a big change in their life easily. Sure, there are some people that may seem like they can easily breakup with someone, or easily end a friendship or something, but realistically it's never that way.
I don't like making blogs that are overly "I, I, I, me, me, me." but I feel that this one kinda is and I apologise for that. The past year has involved a lot of me accepting how things have changed and it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I ended a relationship, handled it all terribly, and what I thought could've been a friendship was lost and I had to remove all traces of said person from social media because seeing them happy with someone else wasn't something I could deal with and I haven't spoken to said person since and I find that incredibly sad.
Similarly, there are people from university who I thought I would be close to forever that I've drifted so far from that I think it's a mutual agreement that the friendship has simply just, well, ended. No animosity, no resentment, just a true fizzling out of a friendship that once seemed great.
I've drifted from so many people in so many areas of my life. I neglect so many people that mean the world to me but I never remember to tell them so. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm completely guilty of focusing on the past and never looking to the present and onwards.
I should probably mention that a large part of the inspiration for this post has been generated by FOMO, the fear of missing out. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case. It's not the fear of missing out as such, it's being able to physically see people having fun without you. People you thought you were close to and that you thought would've invited you perhaps. It makes you wonder why they didn't even consider you. Did you not cross their mind? Did they just not want to invite you? Is it because you've been bad at texting lately? Do they just consider you not close enough to invite you?
Of all of the things mentioned, this one hits me the most. There's nothing worse than seeing pictures of all of your friends together without you, and you never receiving an invite or a message, whatever the reason may be. I know, I know that there could be a million reasons. It was too last minute. Thought you weren't at home. So on, so forth. It still sucks.
I hate losing people. It's not loneliness, not that at all. It's that there's this weird slightly grey filter over people now almost. People that were friends of yours once, and you see them and remember every brilliant memory you've ever had with them, but for some reason you just don't feel like you can even talk to them anymore. It's as if the time has passed. The paths have split and they're just out of view now. You've officially parted ways, and it's time that you start looking forward.
I'll still have the memories, I know that, I just don't like how much things have changed.
I'll miss it all, I'll miss everyone, I'll miss making amazing memories. I'll miss having my life completely changed in a few years and I'll miss feeling so truly free that I could do anything.
Everything happens for a reason, and even though change is tough, sometimes it is necessary.
Onwards and upwards.
Anyway, I was always told that university would be the best years of my life, and that I didn't realise until I'd finished my degree that that was indeed true. What I was never warned of was how hard the time following university would be. Sure, there are the normal issues - finding a job, trying to afford being an adult, trying to remain independent and so on. The difficulty I mean is how to deal with leaving behind the best years of your life.
You spend 3/4 years making the best friends, learning more about the world and yourself than you ever think possible, and then you say goodbye. It didn't even feel like goodbye when I said it, not a real one. It felt more like a goodbye you'd say to someone you were going to see the next day and thinking about it, perhaps that was just denial in the most pure form.
It's not really just leaving behind university, It's leaving behind thousands of memories, people, places. It doesn't seem like that at the time, so it isn't the sudden overwhelming sadness that you realise it'll all change. It's something that chips away at you, day by day, memory by memory. This feeling of loss isn't at all helped by things like Facebook which loves to remind you of "On this day.." however many years ago. I get that it's wonderful to be able to reminisce but that feeling of longing to relive it all never truly goes.
I suppose this isn't remotely limited to university at all, it's just that that's what's really been getting to me lately. I moved home after university to save money, find a job and get it all sorted. The last thing I expected was to suddenly lose touch with so many people. It's soul-shattering. You see everyone that stayed behind having such a wonderful time without you and you don't know what to think. I guess I'm just seriously missing being independent, being able to go out to a shop at 2am because I fancy some sorbet or just deciding to go out on a completely whim. I miss it, I miss it all so, so much.
The past is the past for a reason. It's important to remember that everything that has happened, be it good or bad, has happened and there's no way to change it. We lose friends, we lose people we thought we could never lose. We walk away from things we can't handle anymore, we walk away from people we thought we'd never have to. We quit jobs, we change paths in life because we lose our way and quite honestly, it never gets easier.
I'm sure that there's a way to put some positive spin on this, but it isn't as easy as it has been previously. There's the same old saying "Everything happens for a reason." and whether or not you choose to believe that, it's a very interesting way to think about things. To think that without everything happening the way it has up until this very point, you wouldn't even remotely be the person you are now. You may be in a similar situation, we'll never know, but we can say for sure it wouldn't be exactly the same.
I never thought everything would change so much after university. I really didn't. I didn't expect to lose my way as much as I did and I didn't expect to lose touch with so many people. I know as I've said previously that I'm not the best person with communication and the like, but it's just weird to watch everyone's lives go in all different directions, and to know that at one point you spent day after day with these people, shared your darkest secrets with these people and now you hardly see them.
Despite this, however, there must always come a time to accept the past and move on. It's tough and definitely something that everyone struggles with. You rarely see a person easily accept a big change in their life easily. Sure, there are some people that may seem like they can easily breakup with someone, or easily end a friendship or something, but realistically it's never that way.
I don't like making blogs that are overly "I, I, I, me, me, me." but I feel that this one kinda is and I apologise for that. The past year has involved a lot of me accepting how things have changed and it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I ended a relationship, handled it all terribly, and what I thought could've been a friendship was lost and I had to remove all traces of said person from social media because seeing them happy with someone else wasn't something I could deal with and I haven't spoken to said person since and I find that incredibly sad.
Similarly, there are people from university who I thought I would be close to forever that I've drifted so far from that I think it's a mutual agreement that the friendship has simply just, well, ended. No animosity, no resentment, just a true fizzling out of a friendship that once seemed great.
I've drifted from so many people in so many areas of my life. I neglect so many people that mean the world to me but I never remember to tell them so. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm completely guilty of focusing on the past and never looking to the present and onwards.
I should probably mention that a large part of the inspiration for this post has been generated by FOMO, the fear of missing out. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case. It's not the fear of missing out as such, it's being able to physically see people having fun without you. People you thought you were close to and that you thought would've invited you perhaps. It makes you wonder why they didn't even consider you. Did you not cross their mind? Did they just not want to invite you? Is it because you've been bad at texting lately? Do they just consider you not close enough to invite you?
Of all of the things mentioned, this one hits me the most. There's nothing worse than seeing pictures of all of your friends together without you, and you never receiving an invite or a message, whatever the reason may be. I know, I know that there could be a million reasons. It was too last minute. Thought you weren't at home. So on, so forth. It still sucks.
I hate losing people. It's not loneliness, not that at all. It's that there's this weird slightly grey filter over people now almost. People that were friends of yours once, and you see them and remember every brilliant memory you've ever had with them, but for some reason you just don't feel like you can even talk to them anymore. It's as if the time has passed. The paths have split and they're just out of view now. You've officially parted ways, and it's time that you start looking forward.
I'll still have the memories, I know that, I just don't like how much things have changed.
I'll miss it all, I'll miss everyone, I'll miss making amazing memories. I'll miss having my life completely changed in a few years and I'll miss feeling so truly free that I could do anything.
Everything happens for a reason, and even though change is tough, sometimes it is necessary.
Onwards and upwards.
Sunday 24 January 2016
How late is too late?
"Hey, do you want to....."
You hesitate, just briefly, to consider all the pros and cons of the proposed idea and without fail money always crosses your mind. Can you justify spending more money this month? Should you?
Money makes the world turn, and whilst I don't profess to even remotely know much about economics or stock markets or anything of the sort, what I do know is that we are so limited by the money we possess.
I've seen a lack of money completely destroy someones life, I've seen someone finally get a job and prove themselves and pull themselves up from the lowest point in their life. It's so, so bittersweet but one thing remains and that is the ability for money to control every aspect of your life.
I hate it, I hate the idea that a number dictates so much about us as a person, that this number represents so many things about our lives. I hate that it's possibly the single most limiting factor of most people's lives too. There are people with talents, people with skills that wish they could show, that they wish they could use to pay their way through life, but the sad point is that talent doesn't always guarantee you money.
At what point did the world become so completely dependent on money that people could no longer enjoy their lives? Why is it that we are forced to slave away for 50 odd years jumping through jobs, trying to find our place, but never really feeling like we're getting anywhere?
Money, money money money.
The world is so vast, so wonderful and I see so few people on various forms of social media travelling the world and seeing it for all it is. I see so many pictures of beautiful, beautiful places and I get so sad knowing that I'll only get to see these places if I take some of my carefully calculated holiday days. Once upon a time people could easily save money, could easily travel the world, could easily just up and leave their job and do something completely new.
Now? Now there's a record high of people living with their parents until they're 30+ because it's so expensive to move out. Now if you want to travel the world, if you want to quit your job and just be free for a while, you need to plan so well because you're sacrificing so much to do it. I know money doesn't buy happiness, I believe there's definitely an element of truth to that, but at the same time I fail to see how working ourselves into the ground just to be able to live is happiness either.
I say a lot that sometimes I'd love nothing more than to just delete everything and move to a new country and start life over. I'd love to just start again, surrounded by new people, taking a new career path, learning new skills and being a new person because sometimes I think that it's the best way to get out of this trap of being stuck "working for a while to save up some money" to do something I really want to do.
I keep promising myself I'm going to do my masters, I keep promising myself I'm going to travel more and get out of the country but I'm always too worried to shoot myself in the foot by making any hasty decisions. My generation especially can't afford to NOT have experience in relevant jobs. We NEED to have a strong CV to have any hope of getting anywhere in life, so if we do strike gold and manage to get into a decent career, leaving that job too soon would be a massive risk, and one we just can't afford to do.
So where does that leave us? How can we win?
We've got people taking degrees in things they feel they have to rather than things they love in the hope it'll get the a well-paid job so that they don't have to worry about their future. Surely that's completely backwards? People getting themselves into massive amounts of debt just to try and remotely secure their future?
How long do we have to put our dreams on hold before we feel financially secure enough to do something we really want? Hell, why the fuck is financial security even a thing and why does money control every part of our damn lives?
I guess the solution is to remember how much free beauty there is in the world, in the simple things such as exploring new local places, in hanging out with friends in their bedrooms and watching 10 films in a row. The simplest things often bring the most happiness I think.
Just don't lose yourself. Don't get sucked into the same trap that so many people don't realise they're in. Don't settle for a job you hate just because you feel like you'll never be able to get anywhere else because the last thing any of us want in our lives is to look back in 30 years and realise that we'd spent too much time working to enjoy ourselves.
How late is too late?
Well, I don't think it can ever be too late, nor can it really be too early.
Money might make the world go round but stand still and you'll never get anywhere and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around and watch the next however many years of my life pass me by because I was too scared to travel, or look into new directions for my life or because I was too worried about what would happen if I travelled for a while instead of working and saving.
The world is your oyster, and though I've never understood that saying, I guess it's appropriate here.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and suffers through my nonsense writing.
You hesitate, just briefly, to consider all the pros and cons of the proposed idea and without fail money always crosses your mind. Can you justify spending more money this month? Should you?
Money makes the world turn, and whilst I don't profess to even remotely know much about economics or stock markets or anything of the sort, what I do know is that we are so limited by the money we possess.
I've seen a lack of money completely destroy someones life, I've seen someone finally get a job and prove themselves and pull themselves up from the lowest point in their life. It's so, so bittersweet but one thing remains and that is the ability for money to control every aspect of your life.
I hate it, I hate the idea that a number dictates so much about us as a person, that this number represents so many things about our lives. I hate that it's possibly the single most limiting factor of most people's lives too. There are people with talents, people with skills that wish they could show, that they wish they could use to pay their way through life, but the sad point is that talent doesn't always guarantee you money.
At what point did the world become so completely dependent on money that people could no longer enjoy their lives? Why is it that we are forced to slave away for 50 odd years jumping through jobs, trying to find our place, but never really feeling like we're getting anywhere?
Money, money money money.
The world is so vast, so wonderful and I see so few people on various forms of social media travelling the world and seeing it for all it is. I see so many pictures of beautiful, beautiful places and I get so sad knowing that I'll only get to see these places if I take some of my carefully calculated holiday days. Once upon a time people could easily save money, could easily travel the world, could easily just up and leave their job and do something completely new.
Now? Now there's a record high of people living with their parents until they're 30+ because it's so expensive to move out. Now if you want to travel the world, if you want to quit your job and just be free for a while, you need to plan so well because you're sacrificing so much to do it. I know money doesn't buy happiness, I believe there's definitely an element of truth to that, but at the same time I fail to see how working ourselves into the ground just to be able to live is happiness either.
I say a lot that sometimes I'd love nothing more than to just delete everything and move to a new country and start life over. I'd love to just start again, surrounded by new people, taking a new career path, learning new skills and being a new person because sometimes I think that it's the best way to get out of this trap of being stuck "working for a while to save up some money" to do something I really want to do.
I keep promising myself I'm going to do my masters, I keep promising myself I'm going to travel more and get out of the country but I'm always too worried to shoot myself in the foot by making any hasty decisions. My generation especially can't afford to NOT have experience in relevant jobs. We NEED to have a strong CV to have any hope of getting anywhere in life, so if we do strike gold and manage to get into a decent career, leaving that job too soon would be a massive risk, and one we just can't afford to do.
So where does that leave us? How can we win?
We've got people taking degrees in things they feel they have to rather than things they love in the hope it'll get the a well-paid job so that they don't have to worry about their future. Surely that's completely backwards? People getting themselves into massive amounts of debt just to try and remotely secure their future?
How long do we have to put our dreams on hold before we feel financially secure enough to do something we really want? Hell, why the fuck is financial security even a thing and why does money control every part of our damn lives?
I guess the solution is to remember how much free beauty there is in the world, in the simple things such as exploring new local places, in hanging out with friends in their bedrooms and watching 10 films in a row. The simplest things often bring the most happiness I think.
Just don't lose yourself. Don't get sucked into the same trap that so many people don't realise they're in. Don't settle for a job you hate just because you feel like you'll never be able to get anywhere else because the last thing any of us want in our lives is to look back in 30 years and realise that we'd spent too much time working to enjoy ourselves.
How late is too late?
Well, I don't think it can ever be too late, nor can it really be too early.
Money might make the world go round but stand still and you'll never get anywhere and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around and watch the next however many years of my life pass me by because I was too scared to travel, or look into new directions for my life or because I was too worried about what would happen if I travelled for a while instead of working and saving.
The world is your oyster, and though I've never understood that saying, I guess it's appropriate here.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and suffers through my nonsense writing.
Sunday 17 January 2016
When did we lose sight of our dreams?
Listen to: Ludovico Einaudi - Nuvole Bianche
It's a question that has been asked of us constantly as we've grown up and also one that has weighed more and more on us each time it's asked. As children you were asked the question to respond with the most exciting thing you could think of, a singer, an actor, a dancer, a doctor, a vet. These were the jobs we dreamt of, these were the things we would run around as children pretending to be, singing into our hairbrushes, dancing around pretending to be a ballerina, operating on our teddies.
Then we grew up.
Reality starts to hit us, and it hits hard. It's not as if we never wanted those things, all of us wanted to be some famous, talented celebrity at one point or another but we just accept we missed our chance and we move on. We keep our head down and we strive to simple be acceptable. We pass our exams, we work to even get to the point where we can choose a direction for our life to go. But isn't that the problem? Isn't the issue that we're still forced down a path? We're still forced to choose want we want to be before we even know, we spend our entire adolescent years second-guessing if we've made the right decision, if we're doing the thing that we want or if we're just picking something that we kind of enjoy and will hopefully secure our future.
I suppose I can't speak for everyone, I know many people that have put everything on the line to pursue creative degrees; drama, music, the arts. These are people that have no guaranteed future, people that have graduated and are having to work jobs alongside trying to make it in their chosen field and I have so, so much respect for them. I also know many people that have finished their degree and realised it was never something they wanted to do. It was never their dream, it was never really want they wanted and they knew that, but they felt this overwhelming pressure to study something practical, something that would ensure they would get a job when they graduated. When did this happen? When did we stop living for ourselves and start following the path we assumed we had to?
I've recently looked around social media and realised just how many people I know that aren't even remotely where they wanted or expected to be. We're all on our facebooks and our twitters, posting about significant things that happen in our lives, be them good, bad or ugly. We're using these platforms to paint pictures of our lives that we want other people to see and I find myself constantly stepping backwards to remind myself that it's so very shallow. We see so little of each other and what we do see is so fabricated to appear how we want it to. It's no surprise we're losing ourselves when we no longer feel we can be ourselves. We're all guilty of posting things for likes or favourites or whatever, we're all guilty of wanting to feel like we're being accepted by whoever the hell we feel we need to be accepted by.
I think the saddest part of social media is how shallow it really is. Post a joke, post a hilarious story, post a great selfie - you'll get plenty of the attention you crave. Now say you post about your mental health, you're feeling low and want to get it out of your system - a few likes at best and it'll get lost in the void. Our brains are trained to run on auto when it comes to social media. We think in simple terms - pretty = like, weird = ignore. We don't stop to think about why people are posting things, we don't stop to think what happens behind closed doors, we don't stop to consider why we don't feel we can post personal things for our "Friends" to see. We want validation from everyone, that's the bottom line and we don't realise how social media perpetuates that need and so we unknowingly do everything we can do feel like we appear as perfect as possible. We sit here, our dreams lost, our futures fractured and we try and hold our lives together when we lost where we were going years ago and it's thinking about this that makes me wish I could quit social media. It's a virus. It's taken over our lives and we can longer function without it and I hate that I'm aware of it but know that quitting it would result in me feeling far too detached.
I realise that realistically a large majority of us simply couldn't follow our dreams due to lacking a talent of some description or another. I realise that people still have their goals but when did it become so hard to just do something that you really wanted? Why is it so hard to just be the person you want to be in the job you've always dreamed of? Why do we have to drive ourselves to the brink of mental instability doing a degree just to have to fight to gain a relevant job that's underpaid and not at all what you hoped it would be?
I wish I could answer these questions. I wish I knew why we feel like we have to sign our lives away to working jobs we may never feel are truly right for us instead of following that dream that's hidden away in the back of your mind. We instantly write off the thought of changing the directions of our lives because it's too risky, we can't afford to just up and leave. We all want to travel, we all want to try different things and find our calling but it's no longer done and so few people question that. They say the world is our oyster but we can't get out to see it.
Our dreams were lost in our youth, our lives are ruled by social media platforms that are built to connect us and yet so many of us are more lost and alone than we have ever been and we've completely lost sight of our real dreams, replacing them instead with the dream that we'll earn enough to get by comfortably.
So, anyone that makes it this far, I express my deepest gratitude. Now make sure you've not lost sight of who you are and where the hell you're going because if you have, it's about damn time you remembered and fought your way to get there.
Don't let yourself disappear.
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