Appreciating the path that you walk.

A song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54

I played a new game this week. Titled "Life Is Strange" it's a game that revolves around making decisions to see how they impact the lead character's life. This, along with the ability to rewind time a small degree got me thinking a lot about how much could and would change if that was a reality.

If, right now, you discovered you had the ability to rewind time, how much would you change? 

We ponder, we dream, we wish and we hope. So many times we've done things we wish we hadn't and we wish we could undo and it's always fascinating to wonder how different things would be if we'd made a different decision at any one point in our lives. 

It's sometimes hard to step back and appreciate exactly what we have when there's still so much we can look back on and regret and I envy those that have mastered the ability not to dwell on the past. We've all screwed up, we've all made mistakes but they've all resulted in the exact situation you are currently sat in and whether that is a good situation or a bad one, there's comfort in knowing that the decisions you make every single day can change your situation.

The regrets we latch on to can very often overshadow the things we have accomplished, as small as they may be. Regret is important and we need it to learn, we need to move forward knowing the reactions a particular action can induce or we may never move forward successfully.

Being realistic for a brief moment, we can't rewind time. We can't change was has already happened and instead we need to remind ourselves of where we are and how we got here. We forget the people that have gotten us here, we did what we needed to and we pushed ourselves but it'd be nigh on impossible without the people around us. Family, friends, lovers. All of these come and go, even family to some degree but a lot of these are also extremely constant.

We all have friends that we've lost, we've had people we drifted from and would barely recognise anymore, we've had people that we've pushed away and we may regret doing so but we learn from these people, even if they aren't a part of our lives anymore, we learned from them and they've contributed to the person we are today. 

The other side of that is the people we know we can never really lose because we can call up after 4 months of silence and pick up from the last place we left off. The ones that have made us laugh so hard we couldn't breathe and the ones on whom we've unloaded our major burdens. I find it impossible to even consider how different my life would be without certain people in it and I think in some odd way, if a person has really contributed to a part of your life, they become a part of you and as a result, you can't ever forget them. 

As I write this, I find myself reminiscing about so many wonderful memories that I hope that I'll hold on to forever. What always baffles me is how many of these memories are made with new people. It goes to show how a person could walk in and change your life at any point. We meet so many wonderful people all of the time. I have memories of incredible conversations I've had with a person that I'll probably never see again and that conversation has had such an impact. 

It's certainly important to mention that friends aren't even remotely the only people to thank for the people we become. Family are possibly the most undervalued people in our lives. I could write a book on the intense love and appreciation I have for my mother in particular and we often forget to show how much we appreciate our parents and guardians for helping us become the best versions of ourselves. This may not apply to everyone, for some people it isn't parents at all, its siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Regardless of the family member it is, the love we have for them is so deeply rooted that you'd think we would aim to appreciate them slightly more and yet we don't, we don't at all. 

Life is a long, wild and arduous path and one that we forget to appreciate. We forget to appreciate the people that do so much for us and contribute so much to our lives. We take so much for granted and focus far too much on the things we need to change. It takes an awful lot to just thank someone for their contribution to your life. It's all fine and dandy tagging them in a "bff's for -- years, love you!" post but taking the time to actually appreciate someone is a whole different kettle of fish. Take them out for coffee, treat someone you care about just because you want to appreciate that they've helped you become who you are. It's important not to lose touch with people that contribute so much to you.

Life's path, aside from the people we meet, involves one hell of a lot of difficult decisions. There are so many times we do things we don't want to do, so many risks we take for such little reward. We underestimate the impact these things have on our lives and the lives of others (see Chaos Theory) and more often that not, it's good to look back at the decisions we've made, and the risks we've taken, in order to truly appreciate everything around us. 

We're alive, we're healthy, we're fed a constant stream of bad news and yet somehow keep finding the will to put one foot in front of the other. We keep trundling along and finding our way, we bump into new people, we fall into new experiences and we constantly learn new things about ourselves. We forget to appreciate everything we put ourselves through mentally and physically because we're focusing so much on getting where we need to be.

It's a bloody hard road, but there are important people surrounding us all the time. People that we forget to appreciate, people including ourselves. Don't forget to stop walking down your path sometimes, don't forget that it's important to sometimes stop and admire the wonderful people around you, the wonderful memories you've made, and how far you've come since in the past 5 years for example. 

We can never predict what'll happen in the future, but one thing is for sure, there's always time to stop and remember the memories you've made and the people you know. You are who you are because of the things you've done and the people you've met and that will continue to happen. 

So, to the brilliant people in my life who have always remained; 
To those people who through all amounts of change and through all lack of contact have always been there; 
To the people who have always reminded me who I am and have pushed me to be who I always doubted I could be; 
To those people who, despite knowing me a short amount of time, have somehow had the greatest impact on my life;
To the people I have loved and lost, but whom I will always appreciate the lessons they have taught me;

thank you.

Do you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?

This is a question that many have endeavored to answer and thought it seems that the answer is definitely yes, you have to wonder whether its truly necessary to love yourself through and through before you're able to love somebody else.

Sure, most people have the ability to love, most people do love something, but loving another person truly and completely is a very complex thing. 

I know this sounds like I speak from experience and I do but I don't. I'm not sure that I've ever actually been in love with another person in the romantic sense so I can't say for sure that I know what exactly love feels like, or can be described as and so on. But I've been around a lot of people that have had very serious, very intense relationships, and I've witnessed some of these flourish and I've witnessed others fall apart completely. The most fascinating part regardless is watching just how much these people were completely invested in these relationships, some to the point that they didn't even realise how much of them was connected to this other person. 

As soppy as it may be, it's truly wonderful seeing two people completely in love. Though, I wonder if its more just seeing them happy. Happiness is infectious and seeing two people happy regardless is a beautiful thing but seeing two people in love is amazing. I mean yes, there are all sorts of exceptions to this and it may be that they're not happy at all behind closed doors, it may be that they're happy but it's very one-sided, nobody can possibly know but the complete, raw notion of two people being in love is brilliant.

On the flip-side of that lies the break-ups. I have seen people have their entire world ripped apart because of a breakup. A serious relationship of years and years flushed down a toilet within a week. It's so hard to witness because (from what I've heard) it's like having a gigantic whole punched straight through your life and there's nothing that can be said or done to fill it. What advice can you give? How can you make that situation any better when you know that the only thing that will help is time?

It's a catch-22; you want to date because sharing your life is wonderful, but if you date there's the risk you'll get attached to someone and having them leave your life, taking a piece of you with them. It's tricky, but supposedly worth the risk.

The dating world has changed massively too, nowadays with apps and websites, everything is so accessible and open that apps like Tinder mean it's essentially browsing a supermarket for a mate. I mean it's a wonderful notion, the ability to quickly and easily connect with someone, but there's also such a massive pressure to be the absolute best version of yourself. There's this weird compulsion that you need to seem interesting, funny, intelligent, attractive. It's hardly realistic, but everyone's trying in their own way to be the best version of themselves.

It's awfully frustrating really, everyone trying so hard to show their best sides. When was it such a crime just to be human? Does everyone really expect to go around looking as glamorous as the various pictures they post? God no. We all have less-than-wonderful days where we really look like we haven't slept at all and our hair won't co-operate. We'd all love to pretend that we're cultured and that we travel a lot and that we're all wise and knowledgeable. We'd love to pretend that we're desirable in a quirky way and we have interesting music tastes.

I don't buy it. We're all only human, we're all flawed. These apps, though extremely useful, are inherently flawed in the sense that they always want you to pretend you don't have any flaws. It's possible that this is entirely my own experience of course. I've just always struggled to feel like I can be completely myself without seeming odd. Everyone is very contrived and it almost seems as if people are too scared to let the real them slip out over an app. It's all prim and proper till the first meeting and then the facade can drop slightly to "test the waters" or something. I didn't realise just throwing down your cards and seeing if you match was such a taboo thing almost.

Anyway, referring back to the title, loving yourself is undeniably one of the hardest things you can do and I think that loving yourself is somewhat unrealistic and I definitely think accepting yourself is perhaps more likely. You don't have to love yourself, you just have to be yourself and accept that you have what you have and you do what you do. Dating is extremely difficult as it is because there's a complete lack of real courtship, you can have a quick chat over an app and organise a date and off you trot, and if that fails just rinse and repeat. Dating has changed completely and its safe to say that you need a damn thick skin if you want to dive headfirst into cyber-dating as it were because rejection will come thick and fast and that'll make it damn hard to feel like you're worth loving sometimes.

Everyone is, but its important not to rely on someone else to make you happy. That much is so, so important. A relationship will not make you happy, it will simply add the happiness you have made for yourself. You cannot rely on someone else to fix you, it's too much for you both to deal with and it'll never work. You don't have to love yourself to be able to love someone else, but you can't expect someone to love you enough that you learn to love yourself.

There are so many wonderful things in this world and whilst being able to share your life with someone is such an incredible idea, it's not something that can be forced. It'll happen one way or another and despite how much I hate it the whole "It'll happen when you least expect it" thing does, weirdly, happen to hold some sort of weight. It's okay to be single, my god it's so, so okay to be single. I don't know why on this earth it seems so bad to be single but there's some off stigma attached to it, as if somehow you're doing wrong if you're not out there sharing your life with someone. Hell no, live your life, do what the hell you want and if you happen to bump into someone along the way, great! If not, also great, more time for you, more time for friends, more time to travel. 

Life isnt any worse if youre single, not even remotely. Dating isn't anything like it used to be and it can sure as hell take some getting used to. These apps have changed the game forever, that's for damn sure. Regardless of how hard you try though, it'll happen when it happens, if it happens. Doesn't matter either way as long as you don't try and be someone you're not just to be with someone. Just be you and live your damn life, happiness will follow suit regardless. 

Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

The art of motivation, if it even is that, is an interesting one. 

Things are always in flux but for some reason we always need to find ways to motivate ourselves to keep going. I envy those that wake up everyday and feel refreshed and positive, they're healthy and happy and go about their routine. I suppose once you're comfortable, that's all it takes. 

But then, there are those that are never quite satisfied, who constantly feel like there's more, there's better opportunities, more that they should be doing, but it's not always that easy. Many things hold us back, but it mostly boils down to being motivated enough to pursue something, be that a potential love, a new hobby, a new job etc. I write a lot about new things, and change, and I think it's because I desperately want so much to change and I'm working to get there but it's a slow, slow process. 

Mental health plays a large part in this, and I can't remember if I mentioned this in previous rambles but I do have an anxiety disorder. It's crippling to say the least but I deal with it. What surprises me is how many people suffer with mental health issues in silence. It's not that people with anxiety necessarily don't want to do something, it's that the thought process that they go through to make a decision for example is so much more complex and negative that more often than not the cons outweigh the pros. 

I know these are probably thoughts many people have, and there are many ways that all sorts of mental health issues can be explained, but I honestly believe that until someone experiences it, it's very hard to explain just how tough it can be. Anxiety and motivation have to constantly battle to see whether an important decision can be made and more often than not, it's easier to just avoid the situation altogether.

This is utterly boring to most of you, I know, but motivation can result in so much and if there was a way to just drink a coffee that had a motivational magic ingredient in, well then, that'd be amazing. Sadly, we have to generate our own motivation. 

I guess (my favourite phrase apparently) that if you truly want something, more than anything else, you will always find the motivation to get there regardless of how tough it may be. It's terribly sad to think that so many people could be capable of so much if they a) believed in themselves b) were in a position to act upon a desire and c) had the motivation to do it.

I try to live life as spontaneously as possible purely because I know if I have to think about whether or not I want to do something, I'll often conjure up some ridiculous thought as to why I can't possibly do it and sometimes it's better just to say "Fuck it." and do something, which often results in wonderful experiences and many a treasured memory.

But, other times, we say no. There's some odd thing behind saying no, as if we somehow have to justify it with some important reason, as more often than not saying "I'm exhausted." or "I'm not feeling great" just doesn't cut it. I don't know why we can't just ever seem to say "Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to come." with no reason. Perhaps it's just me.

Sometimes we can say yes, sometimes we have to force ourselves to go out and do something and we enjoy it so much more than we thought we would, but sometimes we say no because we just aren't up to it. You don't have to be ill, you don't have to be coughing and spluttering. Mental health and physical health are equally as important and if you put your mental health at risk, it will affect you physically and vice versa. 

It's important to just be you and do you. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't and sometimes we just have to say "Oh, fuck it."

I'm not a motivated person, I love to procrastinate, but there's definitely a warm little fire that sits within me that burns to learn more, to do more and to be more and I refuse to lose that. It may not all happen this year, it may not all happen in the next 3 years, but I've learned the hard way that there isn't a rush, as short as life may be. I want to enjoy things as they are and change things when I feel it's right to. There's a whole lot to do, a whole lot to see and a whole lot more to be. 

Everything happens for a reason and I'm just gonna push myself to do more and see how everything shifts. Writing these rambley posts (that I'm STILL convinced nobody reads) is just the beginning. I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to run, I want to eat better, I want to dress better, I want to look after myself, I want to learn more, I want to live more.

I will, in time, but for now, I gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I guess that as long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters too much. Things are okay, okay is good and okay will do. For now.